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tattered remains [21 May 2010|11:21pm]
Broken. Not sure if I can come back from this. Not the same. Some things change you, for better or for worse. I know I won't be the same. I don't regret it now, glad it was something I experienced, had to deal with, persevere through.


One moment I'm alright, dealing with things and smiling, the next, I'm a wreck. Mind stuck on the past, all the pain and hurt as sharp and vivid as the day it happened.

I can't explain how I feel, I can't describe the turmoil inside.

I don't want to see anything either, kills me inside even though I'm trying to do the same.

I want everything, but my aims are too high, flew too close to the sun and my wings of wax have melted. Reality has humbled me.
Open my eyes

fresh start [10 May 2010|10:24pm]
I want to be a gangpei. I want to feel less.

I'd like to smile for the right reasons.

I wish I wasn't so torn and distraught inside. That this inner turmoil would subside.

Maybe most of all, I wish I could be numb to this pain.
Open my eyes

too real [11 Feb 2010|12:19pm]
The whisper on my lips, the reason behind my smiles, do you ever wonder what it could be? For a time I thought I knew, now I know how foolish and naïve I have been.

How many chances before your turn is up? How many times can I be made the fool, before I can't take anymore.,lord knows I've tried so hard, lord knows how much I've suffered on your behalf. Putting myself aside for your sake so often, putting aside my own desires and wants and needs.

I don't know if I can deal with it again, I just wonder now If this will have some lasting effect on me, tainting future chances and relationships.

I hope you can find someone to love, who loves you back like I do. I hope you do things right with him, and that ater me you've learnt your lesson and matured a little more. I don't want to play games anymore, I want something that I can put my all into, and get the same in return, all the time. Tired of being the last to know, and never being told. I can only be made a fool so many times before even my love becomes insufficient to make it through another night.

Maybe this is karma coming back at me, for doing all the things I did when I was younger, I probably deserve this.

But If my brother is any example, then ill move on and become stronger, panacci's never go down, only up.

La dolce Vita, never been so sweet~
Open my eyes

La Dolce Vita [24 Jan 2010|11:21pm]
New year, mostly same old shit. Started my career aka started my apprenticeship for sheet metal, with one of the biggest roofing/sheet metal companies in ontario, pretty exciting I guess, so far paying my dues and doing bitch work as a first year apprentice should, learning a lot though and people seem to like me and think I'm good for what that's worth. Hard work and dedication is sure to pay off.

Got a few more tattoos, most recently was an arm piece on my left arm, which is currently growing, who knows, may turn into a half sleeve/sleeve some day. Also a tattoo of a dove holding an olive branch on my left hand, inbetween thumb and index finger.

Love life is still fucked up., lot happened, and still trying to deal with it all. Its not easy, lord knows its not, but I'm trying my best, again, for what that's worth.

Also my mom just had surgery, found a cancer in her neck, operation went well and the doctors are happy, so hopefully that will be the last of that.

Don't feel like I have a lot to say, even though so much has happened,

Guess ill have to update when I have the time and the will power, or am struck by some divine inspiration and feel the need to write.

May be soon, hopefully it will be.

Open my eyes

too much [28 Dec 2009|08:03am]
Too many questions, too many doubts. But its a love so deep I don't know what else to do.

With no trust I'm constantly afflicted, don't want to end it like this because I still believe in fairytales,..

And I don't know why.

To tell the truth I'm just in pain, it hurts, mentally, emotionally, physically. Don't know how to deal with this. But lord knows how hard I'm trying.

I hope you realize what you have and what you stand to lose. Because if things were to not work out, then god bless and I wish you the best and that your happy one day, satisfied and content one day.

Try so hard that sometimes I forget about myself..
Open my eyes

not in this life [05 Dec 2009|11:46pm]
You'll never be satisfied. Its always something more, something you don't have.

What more is there than this? In my eyes its everything, but for you it doesn't seem to be.

I'm a person with too much passion.
Open my eyes

., [02 Dec 2009|04:25am]
Some things never change. This feeling, this pain, everything that I've grown accustomed too, everything that's become routine.

A pain that I'm used too.

Yet how can that be when it hurts so much
Open my eyes

Go Big or Go Home [26 Nov 2009|04:11am]
Bronchitis/sinus infection/ear infection. What's good.

Also possible pneumonia, and who knows what else, appointment with a specialist soon.

Face hurts, body hurts, cough non stop. Clearly I'm living the life.

The feeling of being unwelcome, is truly something terrible.

I need a miracle in my life.


Also need to stop being so selfish.

And what she/you said today.. Was really nice.
Open my eyes

ageless [22 Nov 2009|04:03am]
So today, while cleaning out my old room in the frat house, I came accross a letter, more so a poem/spoken word than a letter, and I was amazed at the similarities between the emotions I had felt then, and that I have been experiencing as of late, and currently still am.

I'd write it up here, but its long and I don't have it with me..but its definitely something I'd like to hold onto, and to remember, because its one of the most honest and heartfelt things I've ever expressed in any form.

Its sad in a way, that I haven't changed at all


Bottle is getting full. Going to blow up soon.
Open my eyes

how long [11 Nov 2009|04:48am]
Till I can stop having these thoughts, stop thinking like this. Fucking hate it, and its tearing me up inside.
Open my eyes

never ends [09 Nov 2009|06:55am]
Such a pain, a pain that I'm used too. Yet always unbearable.

Wish I could hide how I feel, mask my emotions
Open my eyes

tick tock tick tock boom [08 Nov 2009|05:40am]
Can only take so much.

After a certain point ill lose my patience.

:on a side note, seems no matter how hard I work I can't get ahead. Working just to stay alive, and barely at that.
Open my eyes

straight bullshit. [31 Oct 2009|05:51am]
'Its a 2 way street' ??

Bullshit, its not, hasn't ever really been. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you right? Yea that seems like the right way, too bad it doesn't always work out like that.

Fuck this. Get pissy over little shit I don't give a fuck. If I did it to you? You'd be shitting right now. So whatever.
Open my eyes

fuck [29 Oct 2009|04:35pm]
Maybe I expect too much, but when its something I would do without hesitation, is it wrong to expect the same in return? always feel like I'm going uphill, always have to push and work just that much harder

Can't sleep or get rest with my dreams, always uneasy and filled with turmoil. Torn on the inside, no idea what to do..

Another day, just breathe...right? But lately even that seems hard..
Open my eyes

kill it, [24 Oct 2009|04:22am]
She told me to get over it. Funny, because I thought I was trying pretty fucking hard ever since I found out. Maybe she doesn't realize how hard it is for me, maybe she doesn't see the pain in my eyes, see how empty I feel at times..and constantly being reminded through songs/shows on tv etc doesn't help, even casual conversation leads me to thoughts I can't bear.

The way I'm feeling/feel at times, and her telling me to get over it already, because she's tired of feeling terrible and tired of crying..but what about me? Am I not being torn apart inside? Don't talk about the future when today is hanging by a thread..

That story peter once gave me to read, 'as I lay dying' I think that was the title, was about a man dying in a hospital, in pain, lots of pain. The first few weeks, people came and felt sorry, heard his cries of pain and tried to ease his tortured body, ease his transition to the next life. But soon, people grew tired of hearing his moans and cries for mercy, grew tired of his pain, for it became repetitive and annoying..but for that man, everyday, every hour, every minute,the pain was new, sharper, more precise.

I feel that's what will happen. Sympathy and compassion at first, then a shift to how things were before that day. Already things are changing.
Open my eyes

Huge things poppin [21 Oct 2009|09:18pm]
got my car,
started a new career,
found out my gf had cheated on me when we first started dating when she was in cuba,
dealing with that and trying to work things out
wondering why im trying
thinking its because things have been so amazing for the past 4 months and that i love her
knowing i should leave, but listening to my heart > head

and new tattoo is currently in progress, second sitting next weekend.

wondering what life is actually about. because nothing seems to make sense,

Fall in love with passion
Fall in love with lust
Fall in love with all the things that you've been dreaming of
Open my eyes

yea yea yeaaa [16 Aug 2009|03:48am]
Another night out, another night wondering is this what its supposed to be
Open my eyes

fuck my life x2 [11 Aug 2009|12:33am]
Why does this feeling always come, why do I have to fucking think like this
Open my eyes

maybe.. [04 Aug 2009|05:08am]
Need to make some changes, a few sacrifices. Need to get serious and get my shit together. One step at a time.

Its not her, its me. How can I trust another when I don't trust myself?

Time to get a car...learn manual and get a 2009 mitsubishi lancer GT? Who knows.
Open my eyes

knee deep [27 Jul 2009|03:08am]
That's black this is whie, I'm a shade of grey
Open my eyes

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